--- GIT.IR e-Learning Platform ---
as an actor I get scripts and it's my
job to stay on script to say my lines
and bring to life a character that
someone else wrote over the course of my
career I've had the great honor playing
some of the greatest male role models
ever represented on television you might
recognize me as male escort number one
photographer date rapist shirtless date
rapists from the award-winning spring
break shark attack shoreless medical
student a shirtless steroid using con
man and in my most well known role as
Raphael a brooding reformed playboy who
falls for a ball thing as a virgin and
who's only occasionally shirtless now
these roles don't represent the kind of
man I am in my real life but that's what
I love about acting I get to live inside
characters very different than myself
but every time I got one of these roles
I was surprised because most of the men
I play whose machismo charisma and power
and when I look in the mirror that's
just not how I see myself but it was how
Hollywood saw me and over time I noticed
a parallel between the roles I would
play as a man both on screen and off
I've been pretending to be a man that
I'm not my entire life I've been
pretending to be strong when I felt weak
confident when I felt insecure and tough
when really I was hurting I think for
the most part I've just been kind of
putting on a show but I'm tired of
performing and I can tell you right now
that it is exhausting trying to be man
enough for everyone all the time now
right
my brother heard that and for as long as
I can remember I've been told the kind
of man that I should grow up to be as a
boy all I wanted was to be accepted and
liked by the other boys but that
acceptance meant I had to acquire this
almost disgusted view of the feminine
and since we were told that feminine is
the opposite of masculine I either had
to reject embodying any of these
qualities or face rejection myself this
is the script that we've been given
right girls are weak and boys are strong
this is what's being subconsciously
communicated to hundreds of millions of
young boys and girls all over the world
just like it was with me well I came
here today to say as a man that this is
wrong this is toxic and it has to end
[Applause]
now I'm not here to give a history
lesson we likely all know how we got
here okay
but I'm just a guy that woke up after 30
years and realized that I was living in
a state of conflict conflict with who I
feel I am in my core and conflict with
Who the world tells me as a man I should
be but I don't have a desire to fit into
the current broken definition of
masculinity because I don't just want to
be a good man I want to be a good human
and I believe the only way that can
happen is if men learn to not only
embrace the qualities that we were told
are feminine in ourselves but to be
willing to stand up to champion and
learn from the women who embody them now
men I am NOT saying that everything
we've learned is toxic okay I'm not
saying there's anything inherently wrong
with you or me and man I'm not saying we
have to stop being men but we need
balance right we need balance and the
only way things will change is if we
take a real honest look at the scripts
that have been passed down to us from
generation to generation and the roles
that as men we choose to take on in our
everyday lives
so speaking of scripts the first script
I ever got came from my dad my dad is
awesome he's loving he's kind he's
sensitive he's nurturing he's here
[Music]
he's crying but sorry dad as a kid I
resented him for it because I blamed him
for making me soft which wasn't welcomed
in the small town in Oregon that we had
moved to because being soft meant that I
was bullying see my dad wasn't
traditionally masculine so he didn't
teach me how to use my hands didn't
teach me how to hunt how to fight no man
stuff instead he taught me what he knew
that being a man was about sacrifice and
doing whatever you can to take care of
and provide for your family but there
was another role I learned that a play
from my dad
who I discovered learned it from his dad
a state senator who later in life had to
work nights as a janitor to support his
family and he never told a soul that
role was to suffer in secret and now
three generations later I find myself
playing that role too so why couldn't my
grandfather just reach out to another
man and ask for help
why does my dad to this day still think
he's got to do it all on his own I know
men who would rather die than tell
another man that they're hurting but
it's not because we're just all like
strong silent types it's not a lot of us
men are really good at making friends
and talking just not about anything real
and it's about work or sports or
politics or women we have no problem
sharing our opinions but if it's about
our insecurities or our struggles our
fear of failure and it's almost like we
become paralyzed at least I do so some
of the ways that I had been practicing
breaking free of this behavior are by
creating experiences that force me to be
vulnerable so if there's something I'm
experiencing shame around in my life I
practice diving straight into it no
matter how scary it is and sometimes
even publicly because then in doing so I
take away its power and my display of
vulnerability can in some cases give
other men permission to do the same as
an example a little while ago I was
wrestling with an issue in my life that
I knew I needed to talk to my guy
friends about but I was so paralyzed by
fear that they would judge me and see me
as weak and I would lose my standing as
a leader that I knew I had to take them
out of town on a three day guy's trip
just to open up and guess what it wasn't
until the end of the third day that I
finally found the strength to talk to
them about what I was going through but
when I did something amazing happened I
realized that that wasn't alone because
my guys had also been struggling and as
soon as I found the strength and the
courage to share my shame it was gone
now I've learned over time that if I
want to practice vulnerability that I
need to build myself a system of
accountability so I've been really
blessed as an actor I've built a really
wonderful fan base really really sweet
and engaged and so I decided to use my
social platform as kind of this Trojan
horse wherein I could create a daily
practice of authenticity and
vulnerability the response has been
incredible
it's been affirming it's been
heartwarming I get tons of love and
press and positive messages daily but
it's all from a certain demographic
women this is real why are only women
following me where are the men about a
year ago I posted this photo now
afterwards I was scrolling through some
of the comments and I noticed that one
of my female fans had tagged her
boyfriend in the picture and her
boyfriend responded by saying please
stop tagging me in gay Thanks as if
being gay makes you less of a man right
so I took a deep breath and I responded
I said I said very politely that I was
just curious cuz I'm on an exploration
of masculinity and I wanted to know why
my love for my wife qualified as gay
and I said honestly I just wanted
to learn now he immediately wrote me
back I thought he was gonna go off on me
but instead he apologized he told me how
growing up public displays of affection
were looked down on he told me that he
was wrestling and struggling with his
ego and how much he loved his girlfriend
and how thankful he was for her for her
patience and then a few weeks later he
messaged me again this time he sent me a
photo of him on one knee proposing
and all he said was thank you I've been
this guy I get it
see publicly he was just playing his
role rejecting the feminine right but
secretly he was waiting for permission
to express himself to be seen to be
heard and all he needed was another man
holding him accountable and creating a
safe space for him to feel and the
transformation was instant
I loved this experience because it
showed me that transformation is
possible even over direct messages so I
wanted to figure out how I could reach
more men but of course none of them were
following me so I tried an experiment I
started posting more stereotypically
masculine things like my challenging
workouts my meal plans my journey to
heal my body after an injury and guess
what happened
men started to write me and then out of
the blue for the first time in my entire
career a male Fitness Magazine called me
and they said they wanted to honor me as
one of their game changers is that
really game-changing or is it just
conforming and see that's the problem
it's totally cool for men to follow me
when I talk about guy stuff and I
conform to gender norms but if I talk
about how much I love my wife or my
daughter or my 10 day old son how I
believe that marriage is challenging but
beautiful or how as a man I struggle
with body dysmorphia or if I promote
gender equality then only the women show
up where the men so men men men
man
[Applause]
I understand
growing up we tend to challenge each
other we got to be the toughest the
strongest the bravest men that we can be
and for many of us myself included our
identities are wrapped up and whether or
not at the end of the day we feel like
we're man enough but I got a challenge
for all the guys because men love
challenges I challenge you to see if you
can use the same qualities that you feel
make you a man
to go deeper into yourself your
strengths your bravery your toughness
can we redefine what those mean and use
them to explore our hearts are you brave
enough to be vulnerable to reach out to
another man when you need help the dive
headfirst into your shame are you strong
enough to be sensitive to cry whether
you are hurting or you're happy even if
it makes you look weak are you confident
enough to listen to the women in your
life to hear their ideas and their
solutions to hold their anguish and
actually believe them even if what
they're saying is against you and will
you be man enough to stand up to other
men when you hear locker room talk when
you hear stories of sexual harassment
when you hear your boys talking about
grabbing ass or getting her drunk will
you actually stand up and do something
so that one day we don't have to live in
a world where a woman has to risk
everything and come forward to say the
words me too
[Applause]
this is serious stuff I've had to take a
real honest look at the ways that I've
been consciously been hurt that I've
unconsciously been hurting the women in
my life and it's ugly my wife told me
that I had been acting in a certain way
that hurt her and not correcting it
basically sometimes when she would go to
speak at home or in public I would just
cut her off mid-sentence and finish her
thought for her it's awful the worst
part was that I was completely unaware
when I was doing it it was unconscious
so here I am doing my part trying to be
a feminist amplifying the voices of
women around the world and yet at home I
am using my louder voice to silence the
woman I love the most so I had to ask
myself a tough question am i man enough
to just shut the hell up and listen
I gotta be honest I wish that didn't get
an applause guys this is real and I'm
just scratching the surface here because
the deeper we go the uglier it gets I
guarantee you I don't have time to get
into porn and violence against women or
the split of domestic duties or the
gender pay gap but I believe that as men
it's time we start to see past our
privilege and recognize that we are not
just part of the problem fellas we are
the problem the glass ceiling exists
because we put it there and if we want
to be a part of the solution then words
are no longer enough there's a quote
that I love that I grew up with from the
Baha'i writings says that the world of
humanity is possessed of two wings the
male and the female so long as these two
wings are not equivalent in strength the
bird will not fly so women on behalf of
men all over the world who feel similar
to me please forgive us for all the ways
that we have not relied on your strength
and now I would like to ask you to
formally help us because we cannot do
this alone we are men we're gonna mess
up we're gonna say the wrong thing we're
gonna be tone-deaf we're more than
likely probably going to offend you but
don't lose hope we're only here because
of you and like you as men we need to
stand up and become your allies as you
fight against pretty much everything we
need your help and celebrating our
vulnerability and being patient with us
as we make this very very long journey
from our heads to our hearts and finally
to parents instead of teaching our
children to be brave boys or pretty
girls
can we maybe just teach them how to be
good humans so back to my dad growing up
yeah
like every boy I had my fair share of
issues but now I realized that it was
even thanks to his sensitivity and
emotional intelligence that I'm able to
stand here right now talking to you in
the first place
the resentment I had for my dad I now
realize had nothing to do with him it
had everything to do with me and my
longing to be accepted and to play a
role that was never meant for me so
while my dad may have not taught me how
to use my hands you did teach me how to
use my heart and to me that makes him
more of a man than anything thank you
[Music]
[Applause]